Lord Love A Duck - 6

For anyone that hasn't been following along, Lord love a duck is one of my mother's expressions. I have no idea what it means other than that she is exasperated. So these posts always involve Mom but I'm the one that is exasperated.

I visit Mom twice a week and I have about three hours each visit to get things done for her. On Monday I struggled to get one load of laundry done and the kitchen floor washed. I sent John to the grocery store so I could get it done. Not much to show for three hours!

I had big plans for today but so did Mom. As soon as I walked through the door she had her to-do list in hand and was reading it off.

Top of the list was to have John go out and read the number on the telephone pole out front. The street light has been flickering and driving her crazy so she called the power company to complain. They wouldn't send anyone out unless she knew the number on the pole. Simply giving her address and saying the pole closest to the house was not specific enough for them. She seemed to have forgotten that John retired from the power company and she went into a long winded explanation of where to find the number on the pole. She was all concerned about his boots because she didn't want him to get snow in them when he climbed the snow bank to get the number?! We could see the metal tag on the pole from the house and he did not have to climb the snowbank to get the number but she was concerned about his safety until he returned.

Mom can no longer go shopping so she gets catalogs. Lots and lots of catalogs and she is always finding things she has to have. Her latest order came in a box that just fit in the mailbox. Mom cannot get out to the street so my sister brought in the mail when she visited yesterday. The box was wedged in there so tightly that she had to go back in the house and find tools to help her get it out. Heaven forbid the mailman should walk an extra 50 feet to deliver a package to the door for an old lady! One of the items in the box was a sleep mask to block out the flickering street light.

Apparently the extension cord for her nebulizer has been getting tangled in the chair legs. Rather than mention that to us she saw a neat little plastic gizmo that will coil the extra cord and keep it out of the way. Of course you can't buy just one, you have to buy a six pack. I finally figured out the directions (my Greek is improving!) and after breaking two nails and enlisting John to help I was able to show her that there was no way that much cord was going to fit into that little plastic thing. I went out to the kitchen and found a wire tie and shortened her cord. And as long as I was sitting under the desk anyway I dusted too! She was very dissapointed that her little gizmos didn't work so I guess we'll have to shorten her phone cord or something next week.

It seems like once a week some light bulb needs changing so John took care of that while I ran downstairs to bring up the laundry I hung on Monday. Holy cow! It was almost 11:30 already so I sent John off to the store by himself again. Mom gets Meals-on-wheels but yet she still needs things from the store at least twice a week. Sometimes she has a list for my sister too!

While John was gone I decided to try and clean the table or at least straighten it up a bit. Mom never throws out anything. Still on the center of the table were the papers that came with her chair. _ The chair that we got her last summer. The manual was sitting on the desk (you never know, she might have to look something up!) so I stuck the delivery papers in it and tossed the two paper tags in the recycling bag. My mistake - letting her see me do it. She went right over to the bag, took out both tags and placed them neatly in the manual. What were the tags you ask? One was a square that said, "Made in America" - certianly something bad would happen if we got rid of that! The other was a - gasp - YELLOW CAUTION tag. It had to do with how to put the chair together and is covered in the manual. Um, Mom, the chair is already put together and working fine! I should just shrug it off as a quirk of old age but I so wanted to run into the bedroom and rip the tag off the end of the bed, the one that says, "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW." I restained myself figuring that that would just give her a heart attack.

Then she took five full minutes to ask if I would get mad if she asked my advice but didn't take it. No, Mom - you'd be in the majority if you didn't take my advice. She went on to say that my sister had told her to get more information first. Finalllly she got to it. The company that services her furnace had sent a flyer offering prepaid services and she didn't know what to do. So I took  my sister's advice and called them. They want to charge her and extra $150 for what is essentially an insurance policy that will cover any needed repairs up to $750. I pointed out that she has annual service and has never had a problem so I thought she should just set the $150 aside and in five years she'd have her $750 saved up but would have parted with it if she didn't need to. Will she take my advice? Probably not!

I finally gave up any idea of getting anything done and we had a nice chat about her grandmother and other memories of long ago.

So the dust bunnies won this round but I will beat them back next week!

Bus Notes

So many of my HS kids are in sports that I only have a half full bus in the afternoon. I explained to those kids that they could no longer sit in the very back seats so if we got hit from behind no one would be there. So Mike pipes up:

"Mrs Apple, you already hate me so I think I should sit back there. Then if we get hit by a truck and I die you won't be upset."

No Mike I do not hate you. I actually like you. I do not like it when you break the rules and I will enforce the rules. I like you so much that you can stay up front with me.

Lord Love A Duck! - 5

Goodness, has it really been more than a year and a half since I've had one of these posts? For anyone that hasn't been around that long, Lord love a duck is one of my mother's expressions. I have no idea what it means other than that she is exasperated. So these posts always involve Mom.

Mom had an appointment with her primary care physician this morning, one of the few things she leaves the house for. I headed down to her house this morning. There are two highways I can take, either 81 or 690. I'd heard there were lane closings on 690 but not where so I elected for 81, construction and all. No problem, I arrived early.

So we're she's chatting (she's been very chatty lately!) and I interrupt to tell her I need to get ready to leave. I use the bathroom first and head out to the garage to get the cooler for meals on wheels. She's still sitting in her new throne chair. I grab the oxygen pack, an extra cylinder, my purse and her suitcase purse and lug them through the living room and out to the car. She says she'll be right behind me. I go back to help her down the steps and she's vanished. She'd forgotten that she needed the bathroom too! So we get out to the car and she has trouble getting in. I say,"let me move the seat back," but nooooooo, she's fine. Finally she manages and we're off, only about five minutes late. Of course I had planned to leave five minutes early because it's always something.

To get to the doctor's office from her house you have to take 690 or cut through the city and without even thinking I headed for the highway. Now we know where the lane closures were. Rather than deal with the crazy traffic I decided to get off and take the boulevard, which quite concerned her. "I have no idea how to get to the doctor from the boulevard!" she exclaimed. Pause. "Of course I don't know how to get there from the highway either so I guess you know best." Thanks Mom!

We start talking about the way things were in the old days along this stretch of road. She tells me about the old muck farms and I point out the bowling alley where she bowled in league. I make a couple of turns and she exclaims, "This is Widewaters! How'd we get here." We arrived at the office right on time. (And can anyone tell me why it's called Widewaters!?)

Now usually it's hurry up and wait at this doctor but today they took her back fairly quickly. The nurse wasn't the one we're used to and she had a hard time with the bp cup. Apparently is wasn't reading out on the thing-a-bob on the wall she she kept pumping it up. You could tell Mom was in pain and finally the nurse decided to start over. She pumped it even further this time and Mom started yelling at her to stop and take it off, so no bp today.

While waiting for the doctor we talked about what she wanted to talk to him about. She was concerned about the swelling in her feet and legs and I was concerned that she's been unsteady on her feet. So the doctor comes in, says hi and before he can say anything else she exclaims, "Is there a limit to how much shrinking I'm going to have? And I don't mean sideways I used to be able to reach the second shelf in the cupboards and now I can't and it seems to me that the vertebrae can only shink so much and I want it to stop!" The last was said in a single breath - no small feat for Mom! He asked her how long it has been since she couldn't reach the shelf. Her answer - a day or two. Oh my, I never saw this one coming. He asked if she'd lost more than two inches and when I said yes he started hustling her out the door and down the hall for a bone density test. I insist that he look at her ankles first.

While she is having her test I am parked on a folding chair in the hall and an old woman sits down next to me. She was waiting for the same test Mom was having. She bought her clothes in 1999 for a trip to Tampa that she must have really enjoyed. She worked 42 years at the same company, has wonderful children and beautiful grandchildren and great-grandchildren - and was obviously very lonely. I continued to listen to her even after Mom joined us in the hall. She was really a sweet person and I hope one of her family calls her tonight!

Mom finally gave in and asked for her oxygen and I hooked her up. The doctor comes to talk to us right there in the hall - so much for privacy! Mom doesn't have osteoporosis so he tells her to take a calcium supplement and increase her water pill to twice a day. Mom's stumbling has really worried me but she refuses to use her cane. I know from experience that if the doctor tells her she has to she will so I bring it up again. He tells her she needs to start using the cane. She complains that with only one useful arm she can't carry anything if she uses it. He responds that then she needs a walker and they have a small triangular one with a basket and a tray that would work well for her, come back in a month.

So we make an appointment and head out to the car and she wants to know if I've moved the seat back yet. I had but I moved it back some more. Then her oxygen tank ran out. I knew it was low but not that low! I switch over to the other tank and realize that the first tank stopped because I hadn't opened the valve properly. Crap. She's fine so I don't switch it back and start out of the parking lot. She decides that she feels like going to shop for a walker. I was shocked but figured strike while the iron is hot. She knows where the place is - a little shopping area either on W. Genesee or Erie Blvd, she can picture it! I can't, so I call home so John can look up the address for me. It's on E. Genesee. East, west, what's the difference!?

So we leave and I turn right and she says she's sure we need to go west. I tell her that we need to get to E. Genesee St first. I go to the next corner and turn left on Erie and again she says she thinks I'm going the wrong way. I explained we had to go a couple of blocks further yet. My patience was waning. We finally got to the intersection and I pointed left and said, "Well that way is Fayetteville, which way do you think we should go?" Finally we agreed and went right!

Thirty or so pleasant blocks later we came to the store. It was right by the old Christian Science church that I used to attend. "See, I knew it was right here!" If she'd told me it was near the church to begin with things would have been so much easier.... There is a handicap space right in front of the store. I hardly ever use one but I didn't want to drop her off and go park, so I took it. She promptly told me that I couldn't park there, couldn't I see the fire hydrant? (The hydrant was one space up and this spot was clearly marked.) I started fishing for change and had to explain why I was going to pay if there was no meter. I came back with the receipt and put it on the dash but I don't think that she understood how it works.

So we head into the store and see the walker the doctor had described right off. But she has had in mind for some time that if she got a walker with a seat she could get out to check the mail. You know walk a little, sit a little. Never mind the fact that the walker would be in the garage and no good to her in the house. I took a different approach and pointed out that those walkers probably wouldn't fit through her tiny house. (They were just as wide as the three wheeled one was in back. But we do not need to tell her this, agreed?) The three wheeled one had a basket, tray and carrying bag so she took it for a test walk around the store. I noticed she was breathing through her mouth. For whatever reason the oxygen wasn't working again. She so seldom uses the portable tanks but I am fairly sure I had it hooked up right the second time! It seemed to be working in the car. They adjusted the height for her, took her check and we were finally headed home.

She seems much steadier with it and I really hope she uses it. Her house is tiny and she can't get to the kitchen with it, so when John and I go again we'll have to switch some things around and maybe take the kitchen door off. The new lift chair takes up a good chunk of floor space in the living room but she seemed to get through there OK and I moved the couch and table down so she could get to the hall easily.

John and I had an appointment at 2:00 and after running to the store for her calcium supplement I was starting to feel pushed for time and asked if there was anything else she needed before I left. Well she needed to tell me about her new trash service which took a few minutes.

Now I'm running late and a bit cranky and she says, "I can't tell you how much it means to me that you and your sister come as often as you do and do so much for me."

Love you too Mom!

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I spent well over two hours this morning fixing a a problem on the Training Team blog. To say I was feeling a bit crabby would be an understatement. Jasia at Creative Gene had the fix for me! She had a link to the funniest piece I have read in ages! I laughed until tears formed.

If you need a good laugh too head over to Old Picture of the Day and read this!

Cell Phone Follies

I have a cell phone just for emergencies and well, I've had this phone so long that when people see it they call it an antique. Ten years ago it was state of the art and I paid an arm and a leg for it. When finances got tight I decided to cancel my service and the company was nice enough to put me on their "emergency plan." Times got better but I never saw the need to pay more for something I rarely used, especially since it would only work here at the house if I stood out at the end of the driveway, balancing on one leg and facing the setting sun! The joys of living in the middle of nowhere Snowville.

In December I was notified that my analog antique would no longer work in mid February. They'd be happy to sell me a new state of the art phone and only charge the other arm and leg if I'd agree to sign up for a two year plan. The plan would only cost slightly more than three times what I had been paying. I declined their kind offer.

On New Year's Eve I was very impressed with our friend's phone. He was sitting at our kitchen table, all warm and snug inside and his phone rang. He answered and was able to have a conversation without having to run outside. His is one of those prepaid phones that nobody else I know would consider owning (or at least admit to owning.)

I did the research and decided that was the way to go. On their web site I learned that I could get a 1 year plan and a free phone for $100 - less than I had paid for the emergency plan! I could keep my extremities! And I could get extra minutes if I canceled my old service through them and kept my old number! Sign me up!!!!

The web site wasn't quite clear on how all this would work so I called the 800 number. When did 800 numbers become international calls? Despite the fact that I usually zero out my annual hearing test I found myself saying "What?" "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" He would ask a question, I'd answer and then he'd repeat my answer.

"Why are you calling today?"
"I'd like to switch to your service and keep my old number."
"You'd like to switch to our service and keep your old number, is this correct?"
"Yes."
"How can I help you with this?"
"You could tell me what I have to do to make sure I can keep my old number."
"So you want to know what you have to do to keep your old number, correct?"
"YES!"

After awhile we got into a better rhythm and finally he said, "OK, no problem you can do that on the web site or I can do it for you now."

I'm not an idiot really. I was having a bad week and not thinking clearly. I stayed on the phone. I had to spell out my name and he spelled it back to me. Then we got to my address. I told him I lived at 1234 County Route 98. I spelled it out. Then he asked if that was street or road. I told him there was no street or road, just what I had spelled out. He insisted, I repeated. We moved on to my credit card info. I gave it to him, he repeated it. I gave him the security code, he repeated it. Please wait. He came back. Please give security code again. Ok, good, please wait. Give card # again. Please wait while he gets his supervisor. Sorry your card has been denied, I can't help you. Almost an our of my life that I'll never get back.

I waited a couple of days to make sure the charge wasn't on my card and tackled the website again. I managed to set up an account and order a phone. It took about 10 minutes. Three days later I had a phone so back to the web site. I entered about 100,000 numbers and was sent to a screen that told me it might take ten days to switch my number over. I'd know when the switch was complete because my old phone wouldn't work anymore.

This morning John was meeting friends for breakfast and decided to take the phone with him. Yes, we share the phone. Shocking, I know. It had only been a few days but he checked and it was working. Of course the switch over occurred right about the time his friend was looking for him in the wrong place. His friend called here and I was able to tell him where to go, so a breakfast disaster was averted.

I went online this afternoon with the instructions that had been provided close at hand. Did I just say that I'm not an idiot? Well, maybe not an idiot but certainly not as smart as I thought I was. This time I couldn't log into my account. I almost cried when I realized that another international call would be needed. I sucked it up and dialed the number. They had an option for activating the phone by punching your numbers into the phone. All righty! I punched in the 100,000 numbers again but of course that didn't work. I had to call again.

"Why are you calling today."
"I want to activate my phone."
"You want to activate your phone?"
"YES!!!!"

This woman was a bit easier to understand. She didn't even question the road/street thing. She asked me for the pin number for my minutes card, told me I was all set and to wait 5 minutes, turn off the phone, turn it back on, have a good day. Only 20 minutes! And it worked! Yea!

Hold the phone! Only 10 minutes were on the phone and one month of service. !#$!$##*

"Why are you calling today."
"I called a few minutes ago and had my phone activated but my minutes don't show up."
"So, you called a few minutes ago but you need to add minutes?"
"NO!!!! I added minutes, but they don't show up on my screen."
"The minutes aren't on your phone?"

We finally got it straightened out. The minutes I bought, plus the extras for keeping my old number are now there. Hopefully I'll be able to add minutes in the future without any international calls.

I spent a few minutes figuring out how it works and a couple of hours entering my phone book. I have a new respect for my kids that send text messages - both of my thumbs hurt!

Who's on First?

I've always loved that bit by Abbott and Costello. If you've never seen it (you must be very young!) check it out at the bottom of this post.

BJ sent me this. It seems to be traveling the email circuit. If anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know so I can credit them. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers to fully appreciate this. For anyone who sometimes gets frustrated by their computer, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START...........