Sadness

I started this blog because I wanted to write. There was a time when I felt that I wrote quite well. I sit down to post and I just go blank. Or I question whether or not I should write what I want to write. So much of my life is tied to work but how much is safe to post? I love my job and don’t want to write anything that could jeopardize it should someone at work stumble here. The rest of my life is tied up in my family. I worry that something I write will be taken the wrong way or hurt someone’s feelings and so I don’t write. I worry that I may reveal something that someone else considers secret and so I don’t write.

When I visit with my Mom I can keep her in stitches with stories about the grandkids or the kids at work. I can’t seem to get them to feel the same when I try to put them here so I use the delete key and then I’m left with boring, mundane stuff; we did this, so and so did that.

I also feel that I want to keep this blog upbeat, happy. Unfortunately my life is not like that. No one’s is. We all have to take the good with the bad only I seem to have more bad or unpleasant stuff in my life than other people I know. Friends often tell me that what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. I hope I don’t turn into ice cold steel.

Right now I’m in need of a good cry but the tears will not come. With all that has happened the last few years I often have trouble crying. I’m afraid that once I start I won’t stop. We’ve known for some time now that M would miscarry. It seems that today is the day. It’s easy to say when this happens that it is for the best and I know when I miscarried that it truly was a blessing but all these years later I still remember and September will forever be a sad month for me. I was a teenager without a clue. BJ and M are a married couple with two beautiful boys. How can this be a blessing? I was really hoping that they would have a girl.